Online Threat Assessment Tool

From Oprah's site:


According to security expert Gavin de Becker a woman dies every four hours in the United States at the hands of her boyfriend or spouse. Gavin also says these crimes are often predictable and preventable.

To combat domestic violence, Gavin has developed a potentially lifesaving tool called MOSAIC. This online assessment is free and protects the user's identity. 


http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/MOSAIC-Gavin-de-Beckers-Online-Threat-Assessment-Tool

Warning signs on an abusive personality

It is sometimes possible to predict the likelihood of the person you are currently or are about to become involved with being abusive. Below are a list of behaviours and traits which are common in abusive personalities. These are commonly known as Warning Signs.

While not all abusive people show the same signs, or display the tendencies to the same extent, if several behavioural traits are present, there is a strong tendency toward abusiveness. Generally, the more signs are present, the greater the likelihood of violence. In some cases, an abuser may have only a couple of behavioural traits that can be recognized, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things).

Often the abuser will initially try to explain his/her behaviour as signs of his/her love and concern, and the victim may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviours become more severe and serve to dominate, control and manipulate the victim.

At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love. He/she may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him/her. As the jealousy progresses, he/she may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may be unhappy about or refuse to let you work for fear you'll meet someone else, check the car mileage or ask friends to keep an eye on you. Jealousy is not proof of love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.


Controlling Behaviour

Controlling behaviour is often disguised or excused as concern. Concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions. Your abuser may be angry or upset if you are 'late' coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc., even if you told him/her you would be later back than usual. Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he/she was not involved in. As this behaviour gets worse, you may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church or how you spend your time or money or even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Alternately, he/she may theoretically allow you your own decisions, but penalise you for making the wrong ones. Concern for our loved ones to a certain extent is normal - trying to control their every move is not.


Quick Involvement

Many victims of abuse dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. The abuser will often claim 'love at first sight', that you are 'made for each other', or that you are the only person whom he could ever talk to so openly, feel so at home with, could understand him so well. He/she may tell you that they have never loved anyone so much or felt so loved by anyone so much before, when you have really only known each other for a short amount of time. He/she needs someone desperately, and will pressure you to commit to him/her or make love before you feel the relationship has reached 'that stage'. He/she may also make you feel guilty for not committing yourself to him/her.


Unrealistic Expectations

The abuser may expects you to be the perfect husband, wife, mother, father, lover, and friend. He/she is very dependent on you for all his/her needs, and may tell you he/she can fulfil all your needs as lover, friend, and companion. Statements such as: 'lf you love me, I'm all you need.', 'You are all I need.' are common. Your abuser may expect you to provide everything for him/her emotionally, practically, financially or spiritually, and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation.


Isolation

The abuser may try to curtail your social interaction. He/she may prevent you from spending time with your friends or family and demand that you only go places 'together'. He/she may accuse you of being 'tied to your mother's apron strings', not be committed to the relationship, or view people who are your personal friends as 'causing trouble' or 'trying to put a wedge' between you. He/she may want to live in the country without a phone, not let you use the car, stop you from working or gaining further education or qualifications.


Blame-Shifting For Problems

Very rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem. If they are unemployed, can't hold down a job, were thrown out of college or University or fall out with their family, it is always someone else's fault, be it the boss, the government, or their mother. They may feel that someone is always doing them wrong, or out to get him. He/she may make a mistakes and then blame you for upsetting him/her or preventing him/her from doing as they wished to.


Blame-Shifting For Feelings

The abuser will deny feelings stem from within him/her but see them as reactions to your behaviour or attitude toward him/her. He/she may tell you that 'you make me mad', 'you're hurting me by not doing what I ask', or that he/she cannot help feeling mad, upset, etc. Feelings may be used to manipulate you, i.e. 'I would not be angry if you didn't ...' Positive emotions will often also be seen as originating outside the abuser, but are more difficult to detect. Statements such as 'You make me happy' or 'You make me feel good about myself' are also signs that the abuser feels you are responsible for his sense of well-being. Either way, you become in his/her mind the cause of good and bad feelings and are therefore responsible for his/her emotional well-being and happiness. Consequently, you are also to blame for any negative feelings such as anger, upset or depression.


Hypersensitivity

Most abusers have very low self-esteem and are therefore easily insulted or upset. They may claim their feelings are 'hurt' when they are really angry, or take unrelated comments as personal attacks. They may perceive normal set-backs (having to work additional hours, being asked to help out, receiving a parking fine, etc.) as grave personal injustices. They may view your preference for something which differs from their own as a criticism of their taste and therefore themselves (e.g. blue wallpaper rather than pink, etc.).

Cruelty To Animals

The abuser may punishes animals brutally, be insensitive to their pain or suffering, or neglect to care for the animals to the point of cruelty, e.g. not feeding them all day, leaving them in areas he/she knows will cause them suffering or distress. There is a strong correlation between cruelty to animals and domestic violence which is still being researched. (For more information and personal experiences, see Domestic Violence and Cruelty to Animals.)

Cruelty To Children

The abusers unrealistic expectations of their partner are often mirrored in their attitude toward children. He/she will think of children as 'small adults' and blame the children for not being responsible, having common sense or understanding. He/she may expect children to be capable far beyond their ability (e.g. is angry with a two-year old for wetting their pants or being sick on the carpet, waking at night or being upset by nightmares) and will often meet out punishments for 'naughtiness' the child could not be aware of. Abusers may tease children until they cry, or punish children way beyond what could be deemed appropriate. He/she may not want children to eat at the table, expect them to stay quiet, or keep to their room all evening while he/she is at home. Since abusers want all your attention themselves, they resent your spending time with the children or any normal demands and needs the children may have. As above (cruelty to animals), there is a very strong link between Domestic Violence and Child Abuse.


'Playful' Use Of Force In Sex

He/she may pressurise you to agree to forceful or violent acts during sex, or want to act out fantasies where you are helpless. A male abuser may let you know that the idea of "rape" excites him. He/she may show little concern about whether you want to have intercourse and uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. Starting sex while you are sleeping, demanding sex when you are ill or tired, or refusing any form of intimacy unless you are willing to go 'all the way' can all be signs that he/she could be sexually abusive or sexually violent.


Rigid Gender Roles

Abusers usually believe in stereotypical gender roles. A man may expect a woman to serve him; stay at home, obey him in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. A male abuser will often see women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship. Female abusers may expect the man to provide for them entirely, shift the responsibility for her well-being onto him or heckle him as being 'not a real man' if he shows any weakness or emotion.


Verbal Abuse

In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, either in public or in private, this can include degrading remarks or running down any accomplishments. Often the abuser will tell you that you are 'stupid', could not manage without him/her. He/she may keep you up all night to 'sort this out once and for all' or even wake you at night to continue to verbally abuse you. The abuser may even say kindly things to your face, but speak badly about you to friends and family.


Dr. Jeckyll And Mr. Hyde

Very rarely do abusers conform to the stereotypical image of a constantly harsh, nasty or violent person, either in public or in private. More frequently the abuser portrays a perfectly normal and pleasant picture to the outside world (often they have responsible jobs or are respected and important members of the local community or Church) and reserves the abuse for you in the privacy of your own home. Nor are abusers always overtly abusive or cruel, but can display apparent kindness and consideration. This Jeckyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser serves to further confuse the victim, while protecting themselves from any form of suspicion from outsiders. Many victims describe "sudden" changes in mood - one minute nice and the next explosive or hysterical, or one minute happy and the next minute sad. This does not indicate some special "mental problem" but are typical of abusive personalities, and related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.


Drink Or Substance Abuse

While neither drinking or the use of drugs are signs of an abusive personality, heavy drinking or drug abuse may be a warning sign and do increase the risks of abuse, especially violence, taking place. Often an abusive person will blame the drink for his/her abuse. However, a person who, knowing there is a risk he/she could be violent when drinking or on drugs, chooses to get drunk or high, is in effect choosing to abuse. The link between substance abuse and domestic abuse is still being researched, and it is apparent that while neither alcohol nor drugs necessarily cause violence, they do increase the risk of violence. (See What about alcohol and domestic abuse?)

History Of Battering Or Sexual Violence

Very rarely is abuse or violence a one-off event: a batterer will beat any woman he is with; a sexually abusive person will be abusive toward all his intimate partners. Situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. Sometimes friends or family may try to warn you about the abuser. Sometimes the abuser may tell you himself/herself that he/she has hit or sexually assaulted someone in the past. However, they may further go on to explain that "she made me do it by ..." or in some other way not take responsibility and shift the blame on to the victim. They may tell you that it won't happen with you because "you love them enough to prevent it" or "you won't be stupid enough to wind me up that much". Once again, this is denying their own responsibility for the abuse, and shifting the responsibility for the relationship to remain abuse-free on to you. Past violence is one of the strongest pointers that abuse will occur. If at all possible, try to speak to their previous girlfriends.


Negative Attitude Toward Women

Some men may tell you that you are different to all the women they have known before, who display a lack of respect of women generally or who talk negatively and disrespectfully of their previous wives or girlfriends. They may tell you that you are special, not like the others and that they consider themselves to be the luckiest man alive to have found the last decent woman. It is not likely to be long before they remember that you are a woman and don't deserve their respect.


Threatening Violence

This would obviously include any threat of physical force such as "If you speak to him/her again, I'll kill you", or "If any wife of mine acted like John's did, I'd give her a right seeing to". Threats are designed to manipulate and control you, to keep you in your place and prevent you making your own decisions. Most people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will excuse this behaviour by saying "everybody talks like that.", maintaining he/she is only saying this because the relationship or you are so important to him/her, tell you you're "over-sensitive" for being upset by such threats, or obviously want to hurt him/her. Threats can also be less overt, such as "If you leave me, I will kill myself", or "You are so wonderful, I will never let you go/couldn't live without you".


Breaking Or Striking Objects

The abusive person may break your treasured object, beat his/her fists on the table or chair or throw something at or past you. Breaking your things is often used as a punishment for some imagined misdeed on your part. Sometimes it will be justified by saying that now that you are with him/her, you don't need these items any more. Breaking your possessions also has the effect of de-personalising you, denying you your individuality or literally trying to break links to your past. Beating items of furniture or throwing objects will often be justified by saying you wound him/her up so much they lost control, once again shifting the blame for this behaviour on to you, but is actually used to terrorise you into submission. Only very immature or abusive people beat on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten or intimidate them.


Any Force During An Argument

An abuser may physically restrain you from leaving the room, lash out at you with his/her hand or another object, pin you against a wall or shout 'right in your face'. Basically any form of force used during an argument can be a sign that actual violence is a strong possibility.


The Above List Was Prepared With Reference To

A Guide to recognizing Behaviors of Abusive persons, Cheektowaga Police Department, (link no longer active - sorry!)

Signs To Look For In A Battering Personality, free2bme2k, (link no longer active - sorry!)

my own experiences, and those of other survivors of DV with whom I have had the privilege of discussing this topic.


Further Links Which May Be Useful:

Mr Wrong or Mr Right - a brief guide by Pat Craven from the Freedom Programme

I went through this for six years. It's a personal mission for me that no other women ever goes through this.

www.youarenotcrazy.com

The similarities between the writers experiences and mine are very stark in her journal. I believe they'll be like most other abusive relationships between intimate partners. His rage problem, learning how to manipulate more masterfully through counseling sessions and other self help books/articles, the conflict resolution contract (in my case a 'Family Mission Statement'), all the manipulative tactics at passing the blame and guilt on to me, use of allies to keep me in line, everything! In fact it felt I was reading my ex's description rather than her ex.

Here's the link to Eileen's journal  http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/

Here are some excerpts:

This website is wholly, compassionately dedicated

to the women who have fought to love and understand

in total solitude

the men that

rage at them,

 call them names,

criticise their mistakes,

 joke about their insecurities,

 mock their interests,

 trivialise their pain,

 yell at them suddenly,

 threaten them with their deepest fears,

 then tell them they deserve it.

Then, to top it all

he steadfastly denies it all

as he masterfully charms everyone he meets 

just like he did to her when they first met.

If you are one of these women, welcome to your tribe     

We believe you and your struggle, and pain is very real

You are not longer alone and

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY

Abuse defined

a-buse (verb)
1. To use wrongly or improperly; misuse
2. To hurt or injure by maltreatment; ill-use
3. To force sexual activity on; rape or molest
4. To assail with contemptuous, coarse or insulting words; revile
5. To deceive or trick

a-buse (noun)
1. Improper use or handling; misuse; abuse of authority
2. Physical maltreatment
3. Sexual abuse
4. An unjust or wrongful practice
5. Insulting or coarse language

"All abuse is a process of establishing power over another person."
"In short, abusers believe - I may not know who I am but I can prove I'm better than you. This makes you his competition - and his enemy"

Power
"He believes you are trying to establish power over him, because that's his reality; confidence comes from proving you are better than others, not from within. This paradigm is tricky to execute because an abuser loses his power rush if he looks bad abusing you. This is where his skills of manipulation become honed - not only can he establish power over you, he can lie and manipulate his entire world (including you) into believing it's all your fault."


Abusers count on their allies
"He establishes relationships with charm and favors, much like a corrupt politician but infinitely more convincing. He needs these allies to justify his bad behavior and defend him should he ever be accused of being abusive. By validating him and ignoring her, his allies keep her in line."
(And also by acting the victim. He denied ever having done anything to me - even a minute after hitting me badly - and if questioned in front of others, including his and my family, would claim that I was abusing him physically and verbally. I even caught him sending sms's to his mother that I had hit him and was threatening to tear his clothes right after he had punched me on my stitches, torn my clothes and pushed me around.)


Silence is the best way to support an abuser
"Your neutral stance isn't neutral - it's serving the abuser in abundance; in fact it's what he's counting on. Your failure to reach out to her, in his mind, proves there's nothing wrong with his behavior...So she stays silent and he stays abusive."


Allies
"In the two years I was with Sean, I never felt more alone in my life. If you're an ally of Sean's ask yourself this: Is your opinion of me that I'm vindictive, lazy, selfish, unstable and crazy? Why? You're his buddy, is that the kind of person he hangs out with? Why is it just the woman he claimed to love is this horrid?...Did you believe Sean when he said I didn't like you? You've been manipulated by a master. He did it to me, too. He informed me often in anger, that many of you told him I was an annoying, stupid, stuck-up loser. If I appeared uncomfortable around you, that's why."
(Mine - RB - was smarter. He knew how women could be jealous. He would coax me into wearing revealing clothes and belittle me if I didn't. He would start comparing the 'other women' with me in front of them eliciting a sharp response aimed against me from the other side in most cases. He would discourage me to do anything for any of his friends he aimed to make allies with and would go to great lengths at preventing me from participating, helping them out, befriending them. This included criticizing them severely in front of me and creating doubts in my mind about the kind of people they were. I don't know if he said anything against me to them but he certainly got the same result and won his allies.)


"He's convinced everyone there's no way he could be abusive, he's the victim of my craziness and selfishness. I'm sure he'll tell people I'm vindictive and crazy in reference to this website. I'm not vindictive or crazy, I was deeply hurt by Sean's abuse and I don't want him to hurt anyone else. I've never had my heart broken so violently, and I don't wish it on anybody."


"I was Sean's strongest ally when we first met."
(I would go to the extent of saying I was RB's strongest ally and worked as my own enemy for a long time. I would appreciate him to boost his self esteem and portray myself as inferior to him. Just to show him I was on his side so as to win his attention or avoid a possible fit of rage.)


"Yes, that's right - he abused me then campaigned for sympathy for HIS pain."


"He had acted truly vile and malicious to me, and he went to any lengths to prove the world he was the best, most giving and sensitive guy in the world. He never passed up a chance to do a favor, or to tell everyone about his grand gestures. The grander the gesture, the more he had smashed my face in it later, and the more other people loved him. It hurt."


Real change
"Abusers are rarely motivated to change. Three highly respected books on abuse all agree on this. It's rare for an abusive man to truly become non-abusive. Sadly in therapy most men just learn to abuse without looking bad."
(Mine did this too. He also learnt not to hit on places where he could leave a bruise. The target was mostly my head with all his force with both fists clenched.)


The story about Joe and Scottie is a gem. Joe's nine steps of accepting responsibility and Steps of accepting responsibility for abuse are a must read.


Don't forget the quiz at the end!

Thanks Eileen for such a great journal. It has helped me and it'll help a lot more women. 

The Forgiveness Project

I found some truly amazing stories of seemingly divine people who were able to forgive perpetrators of unimaginable crimes...committed against them and their loved ones. What I admire about these people is that they have managed to distinguish the indefensible act from the person who committed it. They reason that the act may not be forgivable but the person is. So, even though the act should not be condoned and punishment be doled out for the act, it's best to let go of the feeling of spite and retribution against the person. This has helped them to move on in life and not hurt themselves over and over again. There are other stories of perpetrators who have taken advantage of this philosophy and committed the crime again after being forgiven.

The stories highlight the necessity of forgiving for the victim as well as the need for stronger laws for protecting the victims. Sadly the laws nowadays are focussed solely at the perpetrator. There is a need to give people second chances and help them become better people and it's great that the laws aim at that. At the same time let's not ignore the victims and fail the already peaceful, peace-loving people and punish them by not giving them sufficient protection. It has been noted in majority of cases that dangerous offenders and especially those who have been committing these acts over a fair amount of time do not change. It becomes embedded in their nature and even after receiving therapy there is no guarantee that they will change.

Here's the link:
Theforgivenessproject.com/stories

The price my father could've paid...

An abuser is a person who is color blind. For him there is no distinction between grey, black and white. When he crosses over to the dark side he gets the same gratification as when he's on the brighter side. Plainly speaking they're the same to him.

I have an aunt who had hells keeper as her husband. Mine was probably his lowly ignorable assistant in comparison. I remember as a teenager I went to stay at her place once. In that age it's fun being pampered by your aunties. At night after switching off the lights I was about to go to sleep when the door opened slightly at first. I wondered if there was something wrong with the door knob. Then it slowly opened just the way they show eerie scenes in movies. A shadow stepped into my room. I startled and got up and stared at the silhouette at the door. Uncle? What was he doing entering my room at this hour? There were two other bathrooms in the house. It wasn't possible that both weren't working. I have always been ridiculously soft spoken but at that time, in spite of the chill running down my spine I spoke loud enough for my voice to reach all corners of the house. "Uncle, what are you doing here? Do you need something?". My aunt appeared in what would have been a few split seconds. Her face white like she'd just seen a ghost. "What are you doing here?" she reiterated in a desperate, shrill voice. "What are you doing in her room?" followed by a whole volley of questions that meant the same thing in different words and languages. The desperation grew in her voice with every word that flowed out of her drying lips. Then he turned and looked at her. She suddenly stopped and stared at him. I didn't like the look in his eyes at all. In fact I hated it. I probably felt and experienced his menacing soul that she faced every day of her life with him. Then he turned around without a word and left. She followed him then quickly returned and asked me to keep my room locked from inside.

For our own convenience we tend to be shortsighted. There's nothing wrong with our eyes, it's a learnt short sightedness. So if a person crossed the line in his wife's room we don't think it would be possible for him to do it in our daughters room. Most of us feel we're immune to heart problems, cancer or AIDS and it "won't ever happen to us". And then we spend days, months, sometimes years to accept it has happened to us when it does.

on killing the spirit

My decision to leave him and marry truth came on this fateful day when this happened.

After a sharp blow I felt this. I felt rage. The coward had moved fast out of my sight and bounds. I marched out with determined, angry, heavy steps. All I wanted was his blood. I poured out my rage and screamed "I WILL NOT BECOME YOU. I WILL NOT LET YOU MAKE ME YOU". When I stepped back I could see the satisfaction and glee in his wicked eyes. He knew he had me. "You have become me" they said calmly.

Worst things your well wishers tell you

* It was for your good
Pray, how was this in any way good for me or anyone else?

* You've come out a stronger person
I would've preferred to remain a weaker person if only I had the choice of not having to go through this ordeal ever

* You're a strong person, you'll get over it easily
Right, this is equivalent to saying - you're on your own buddy, sink or swim up to you, I'm off!

* How can someone hit you without a reason?? He must've had a good reason to do it
God yes! I've been asking him why he hits me and have been confused all these years because every time he either denied ever hitting me or gave me a list of what all I need to change in me. No matter what I did to please him it was never good enough for him. Why don't you try and ask him this. Let me know too if you get an answer.


* You asked for it yourself. You annoyed him deliberately so he would hit you
Excuse me, why on Earth would I invite someone to hit me? Assume that maybe I do enjoy getting myself hurt, but why did he go ahead and beat me? That's actually what he used to say - I hit you because I love you.


* You instigated him
There are a genre of mindless people who also blame rape victims for instigating the rapist by dressing up 'that way', or behaving 'that way'. This is the same genre.


* How could you let him hit you the first time?
I wish I knew he was going to hit me, or that he had told me before he did it. I would have definitely asked him not to hit me. I promise.

* Why didn't you leave the first time he hit you?
How is anyone supposed to know that a person is a serial abuser and this isn't a one time incident? Especially if the person pleads and cries and displays remorse in an ultimate dramatic style.


* Why didn't you leave earlier?
Refer to the article 'Domestic Violence and why women stay' in this blog. There's another reason too, in my case I had aged parents who I didn't want to see getting hurt. It took me a very long time to disclose all facts to them. In fact, they don't know everything even now.


* Women who let this happen to them are weak people
People who sit back, gossip and do nothing about this are the ones who are weak. Abusers are master manipulators who can trap any normal, humane person. It is impossible for a normal person to put themselves and think the way an abusive person does. It is also the biggest mistake people make in judging the situation.

Why victims need support to fight for justice

A lot of times there seem to be endless hassles without any justice in sight. Domestic violence has deep rooted consequences for victims. It could lead to serious social isolation, even from their own family and friends. Victims are mostly left alone (sometimes with children) without a penny in their pockets or a home of their own. They definitely have trust issues and are battered not only physically but also emotionally leading to huge self esteem issues. How is one supposed to "fight it out" without
* any confidence to be able to fight or any sort of confidence in yourself at all
* any finances available to you. The abuser will make sure you don't have savings in your name. All the time you were suffering from DV your professional life also went to bits because you weren't able to perform due to the constant stress and anxiety. So there are little chances of finances coming your way anyways. In case you still have your job consider yourself lucky.
* you don't trust your lawyer. You don't trust the judge. You don't trust that the system can give you justice. Not your family. Not your friends. Not your counselor or your neighbours or the police. And all with very good reason.
* you're so tired. You've been through hell, constantly walking on eggshells for so many years, always on the edge. You and your children have lost your health too because of that.
* you have yourself and your children to take of. You need to start rebuilding your life from scratch again. This time without any sort of support and with your energy, health and finances depleted. It's a herculean task and now you're supposed to leave all of that and fight in the court???
* there's a good chance you're being threatened by your abuser, his family or the cops who were bribed or brainwashed by him
* you've been through a few hearings where you were falsely accused of sleeping with twenty other men, of having rage issues, of being violent towards your children, of abusing and beating your abuser and a lot more. You know it was him doing all of that all the time. He also held you at gunpoint when he did all that.

DV - A personalised war

The extreme reality of domestic violence that we do not understand is that the victim lives through it 24 X 7, 365 days an year. They don't know when it'll come next so they're cautious and watching out and praying ALL the time.

To get a good idea of what it's like you can compare their plight to war soldiers or survivors. War soldiers are trained for war yet no one can prepare them for the horrors they experience during a war. Most of them return with post traumatic illnesses. Imagine sending untrained civilians to fight. Domestic violence is a personal and personalised war waged upon the victim. The abuser happens to play a multitude of roles - The politician who manipulates and exploits, the diplomat who smooth talks and tells the victim she's the one at fault and should make efforts to improve the relationship if she wants anything better, the media which portrays the exploiter as the hero and the exploited as the bad guy, the general who plots the conquest, and the soldiers who execute the attack, imprison POW's and then torture them. All this time it's vital to destroy all resources and allies of the attacked party so they can't possibly seek help and fight back.

We all know what happens to the country that is attacked. They're either completely taken over by the attacker and exploited for years on end till they die or left hapless by themselves to deal with poverty, disease and the trauma of war without any help or resources at their disposal. Sometimes the UN interferes and doles out some ration and medical supplies and builds refugee camps. Regardless, the victim is rarely ever able to recover and this is a scar that aches and impairs her for her entire life.

Patrick Stewart talks about domestic violence

Patrick Stewart gives a first hand account of the reality of DV

Domestic Violence Commercial

A commercial that brings forth the stark reality of how most of us respond to DV

Eve Ensler: Embrace your inner girl | Video on TED.com

Domestic Violence and Why Women Stay

I found this invaluable post at http://www.counselingonlinesite.com/2010/03/domestic-violence-and-why-women-stay/

(I'm copying the content here just so if the link or content changes, this content still remains with me.)

Why Women Stay
The Barriers to Leaving

One of the most frustrating things for people outside a battering relationship is trying to understand why a woman doesn’t just leave. A letter to Dear Abby on the subject was signed “Tired of Voluntary Victims.”

The most important thing to keep in mind is that extreme emotional abuse is always present in domestic violence situations. On average, an abused woman will leave her partner 6-8 times. The reasons they return or stay in the relationship vary from case to case. Some of these include:

Situational Factors

• Economic dependence. How can she support herself and the children?
• Fear of greater physical danger to herself and her children if they try to leave.
• Fear of being hunted down and suffering a worse beating than before.
• Survival. Fear that her partner will follow her and kill her if she leaves, often based on real threats by her partner.
• Fear of emotional damage to the children.
• Fear of losing custody of the children, often based on her partner’s remarks.
• Lack of alternative housing; she has nowhere else to go.
• Lack of job skills; she might not be able to get a job.
• Social isolation resulting in lack of support from family and friends.
• Social isolation resulting in lack of information about her alternatives.
• Lack of understanding from family, friends, police, ministers, etc.
• Negative responses from community, police, courts, social workers, etc.
• Fear of involvement in the court process; she may have had bad experiences before.
• Fear of the unknown. “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.”
• Fear and ambivalence over making formidable life changes.
• “Acceptable violence”. The violence escalates slowly over time. Living with constant abuse numbs the victim so that she is unable to recognize that she is involved in a set pattern of abuse.
• Ties to the community. The children would have to leave their school, she would have to leave all her friends and neighbors behind, etc. For some women it would be like being in the Witness Protection program–she could never have any contact with her old life.
• Ties to her home and belongings.
• Family pressure; because Mom always said, “I told you it wouldn’t work out.” or “You made your bed, now you sleep in it.”
• Fear of her abuser doing something to get her (report her to welfare, call her workplace, etc.)
• Unable to use resources because of how they are provided (language problems, disability, homophobia, etc.)
• Time needed to plan and prepare to leave.

Emotional Factors

• Insecurity about being alone, on her own; she’s afraid she can’t cope with home and children by herself.
• Loyalty. “He’s sick; if he had a broken leg or cancer–I would stay. This is no different.”
• Pity. He’s worse off than she is; she feels sorry for him.
• Wanting to help. “If I stay I can help him get better.”
• Fear that he will commit suicide if she leaves (often he’s told her this).
• Denial. “It’s really not that bad. Other people have it worse.”
• Love. Often, the abuser is quite loving and lovable when he is not being abusive.
• Love, especially during the “honeymoon” stage; she remembers what he used to be like.
• Guilt. She believes–and her partner and the other significant others are quick to agree–that their problems are her fault.
• Shame and humiliation in front of the community. “I don’t want anyone else to know.”
• Unfounded optimism that the abuser will change.
• Unfounded optimism that things will get better, despite all evidence to the contrary.
• Learned helplessness. Trying every possible method to change something in our environment, but with no success, so that we eventually expect to fail. Feeling helpless is a logical response to constant resistance to our efforts. This can be seen with prisoners of war, people taken hostage, people living in poverty who cannot get work, etc.
• False hope. “He’s starting to do things I’ve been asking for.” (counseling, anger management, things she sees as a chance of improvement.)
• Guilt. She believes that the violence is caused through some inadequacy of her own (she is often told this); feels as though she deserves it for failing.
• Responsibility. She feels as though she only needs to meet some set of vague expectations in order to earn the abuser’s approval.
• Insecurity over her potential independence and lack of emotional support.
• Guilt about the failure of the marriage/relationship.
• Demolished self-esteem. “I thought I was too (fat, stupid, ugly, whatever he’s been calling her) to leave.”
• Lack of emotional support–she feels like she’s doing this on her own, and it’s just too much.
• Simple exhaustion. She’s just too tired and worn out from the abuse to leave.

Personal Beliefs

• Parenting, needing a partner for the kids. “A crazy father is better than none at all.”
• Religious and extended family pressure to keep the family together no matter what.
• Duty. “I swore to stay married till death do us part.”
• Responsibility. It is up to her to work things out and save the relationship.
• Belief in the American dream of growing up and living happily ever after.
• Identity. Woman are raised to feel they need a partner–even an abusive one–in order to to be complete or accepted by society.
• Belief that marriage is forever.
• Belief that violence is the way all partners relate (often this woman has come from a violent childhood).
• Religious and cultural beliefs.

PTSD

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence
In restless dreams I walked alone ...

PTSD stands for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any event which results in psychological trauma. There are several articles on the internet on how to cope with PTSD, the symptoms and more. This is my personal account of the PTSD symptoms I faced (and some that I'm still experiencing) and how I have been coping.

Symptoms

• Nausea (off n on)
• Nightmares that make me wake up in the middle of the night
• Flashbacks (happen at any time in the day in the midst of any regular activity)
• Flashing thoughts and images of a hand or some heavy object hitting me on the head
• Insomnia (I'm able to go off to sleep but wake up in middle of night and then not able to sleep again as same thoughts keep repeating in my head)
• Suddenly feel sleepy during day. I think these are what they call sleep attacks
• Feel tired constantly at least 3-4 days in a week. Especially those days when I'm not able to sleep well at night.
• Headaches with heavy head
• Shooting pain in different parts of the head
• Had anxiety attacks. Once a major one and I think about twice small ones.
• Memory problems
• Concentration problems
• Being irritable and angry
  

How to cope

• Educate yourself about the problem you faced. I read a lot about domestic violence and abusive behaviour. I still have to read the full book "Why does he do that" but even the excerpts I have read have helped a lot.
• Know your legal rights. Awareness is the biggest power you can hold. Feeling more powerful automatically means feeling less vulnerable.
• Write. Write a lot about what happened. It helps vent out the inner emotions that have been boxed up inside for so long. It'll also helps you understand your feeling now and back then.
• My psychiatrist had told me about a zen technique in which you can look at your past and even present self as a third person, a spectator. This helps in distancing yourself emotionally from the experience and breaks any emotions attached with the incidents.
• I have never tried to block out the dark experiences. Instead I face them squarely as a part of my life. No matter how bad they were they hold valuable lessons that I can use to better my future.
• "Hear my words that I might teach you, take my arms that I might reach you" ... Read experiences of other women who went through similar situations. Join groups and talk to them. Knowing you're not alone is very comforting.
• "Silence like a cancer grows"... Share your experiences with others who've had similar ones. Being understood works like a soothing balm.
• "Fools", said I, "You do not know" ... Expect the least from your friends and family who haven't been through it. Even if they want they cannot understand what you have and are going through.
• I recollect every instance in which I have stood up for what I believed in and especially those against my abuser. I make it a point to write them down and read them whenever I'm feeling low. It reminds of my strengths and helps me get over the low moments faster.
• **** Eat healthy. Exercise regularly. Staying physically healthy is a big plus.
• ***** Meditate regularly. Most of the symptoms disappeared within five days of meditating!

...And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never shared
No one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

Mind is what matters

The mind is the greatest weapon of all. I used his weapon on him. It was the only way to get out unharmed.

And the oscar goes to...

A list of his favorite excuses for and after the abuse

• On trying to bring up a discussion about anytime he'd been violent or abusive he'd say he blacked out and doesn't remember a thing. He looked genuinely confused, worried and very sad when he said that. (applause applause)
  
• When I'd ask him why he hit me after a violent episode sometimes he'd deny having any memory of it. He just pretended like nothing happened and continued merrily with whatever he was doing, ignoring me completely.
  
• Rage. He said he has an anger management problem. He even showed me books and articles he was reading and shared them with me.
  
• He said it was what I said that incited him
• He was being verbally abused for the last four years (stated Oct 2009)
  
• He said he needed me. That I made him a better person
• He said he was sick and needed my help. (But never would agree to go seek help, - professional or otherwise. In fact if I tried to get him any help he would resist it with every ounce of will in him! If I brought up the topic in front of his or my family in his presence he would quietly and calmly not respond to anything or say a word. Then he would start picking out lines I said from our conversations carefully leaving out his parts and twisting the whole conversation. The focus would turn to me. He did the same even when we visited a counselor - much later).
  
• He'd say he's sorry and loved me to bits. I was his life, he would die if I left him. It would never happen again.
• "It'll never happen again ... I promise" (with the puss in boots sort of pitiful look in his eyes)
• "Please give me one last chance" (encore!)

A memoir

It was not as if he suddenly transformed after the wedding. I had known him four years before that and he had been a violent and manipulative person for a long time. It's just that I didn't see it that way back then. In fact I saw it clearly only after I had escaped and read experiences of other women trapped in similar relationships. Most abusers follow the same pattern. They wear a mask of a loving, caring and gentle person in front of the rest of the world. Inside the house they are hideous monsters, the keeper of hell responsible for punishing its residents. They take this responsibility very seriously and perform it immaculately.

He was sent to Australia in January 2008 by the organisation he worked for. Meanwhile I got frustrated staying with his family in India who were outright mean and selfish towards me. We had shifted with them against my wishes after the wedding. I left their house to stay with my parents. Right after that he started pleading, begging, sending flowers and letters, calling numerous times a day to convince me to come to him in Australia (looking back, he actually made me call him most of the time). I had refused to go to him because he had been violent several times before. Anyways, I fell for his tactics for the nth time and quit my job in India to join him there in April 2008. The first ten days in Brisbane were very pleasant but something struck me - he's an outdoors person but he wouldn't take me out anywhere. The first argument ensued when I questioned him about it and wanted to go out. It ended with him tossing me around, dragging, pushing and hitting me on the arms, back and head, in the living room, bedroom and then bathroom. This was accompanied by the most vicious verbal abuse I had ever encountered. I was shocked out of my wits. When we went for grocery shopping he would not allow me to buy fruits, doughnuts or any stuff that I wanted. I would argue and pick up some of the things anyways. He had told me it never gets cold in Brisbane and I made a big mistake of not checking out the weather conditions myself. I landed there without any warm clothes and had to fight with him for more than two weeks to buy me a sweater. His reason for everything was that he couldn't afford it. Thankfully I had kept enough dispensable savings apart from my investments and used my Indian credit card further to this. For every dollar I spent I had to hear a million times what a spendthrift I was. This, when I was spending my own money and was also spending for his groceries and other daily needs. Note that I had no job at that time. He would ridicule me in front of his friends even when I was buying a ten dollar shirt. I decided to look for a job ASAP and thankfully found one in less than a month after reaching Brisbane. After that he would keep asking me to buy him gifts.

He would constantly lie to me and try to cheat me off my money. A lot of times I thought I was going crazy because of his lies and tricks. For example he would hit me and on asking why he did that he'd deny he'd done anything at all. He'd ask me to transfer money to him and when we would sit down to calculate our finances, he would assure me he'd given it back and cite a story of when and how. I always wondered how bad my memory had become - must be due to all the stress I live under! He always kept trying to convince me to open a common bank account which thankfully I never bought into.

Our arguments continued. They were mainly about why I wanted to do what I wanted to do, and why I didn't do exactly what he wanted me to. In addition I was supposed to read his mind about that, he wasn't supposed to express it. They would also be about his family. On mentioning anything negative about his family he would erupt like a volcano. Sometimes I got away with hours of arguments and sometimes when I wasn't that lucky he would threaten me, scream at, hit, push, or simply throw me around. Sometimes he would break some of my belongings like a piece of jewelery or hairbrush, my laptop which was his favorite target and once his own mobile phone. On a few occasions he strewed all my belongings around the house - clothes, books, jewelery, shoes, cosmetics. He of course never helped me put them back. After most violent episodes he would come begging for my forgiveness, touch my feet, cry, swear about never ever doing it again and how much he loved me and I would end up comforting him. Family issues would always earn me bruises. Here I must mention that I had spoken with his mother about his behaviour back in India. I was insisting that he's a sick man and needs a psychiatrist. She said she'd arranged one and that we should discuss the matter before we 'all' go to visit him. After that discussion she never spoke about the issue or the psychiatrist with me but for every violent act of my husbands would blame me or create a drama - waving her arms around, screaming and wailing about what a ridiculous person I was (for not tolerating the insults and violence showered on me). His sister was six years younger to me but would treat me like her personal maid, ordered me around, bully me, would (try to) snatch anything I picked up for myself while shopping and make me pay her shopping bills, internet bills etc. I quickly learnt to ignore her.

About ten days into my job we had an argument regarding his family's values when we were lying in bed. He suddenly got on top of me and strangled me with his bare hands. I choked and pretended to pass out. That night I quietly wept and went to sleep. The next morning he awoke merrily and started getting ready for work. I tried to talk to him but he just ignored me and pretended to be in a hurry. Then I showed him the marks around my neck and declared that he had to either go to a counselor or I'd report him to the police. His face instantly lost colour and the age-old dramas started again - begging, pleading for forgiveness, assuring me he'd never do it again, that this time he would surely change. He only had a 'rage problem'! The counselor was shocked to see my marks and stated that I must love my husband to bits to have not reported him to the police. Only now I realise it wasn't him but the mask he wore that I made myself believe I loved. The counseling ended in Oct/Nov that year with the counselor trying to figure out what was wrong with me. He had lied to the counselor about everything right in front of me and had manipulated the sessions to direct the focus on what all was wrong with me instead! He also tried to make the counselor tell me to do all house chores by myself which the counselor did (but I didn't heed to). Fortunately the counselor refrained from forcing me to go out with my in-laws when they came to visit us, as attempted by my husband, but that the in-laws manipulated me into themselves anyways.

Two to three weeks after I joined work, his family came over for a vacation (they had booked their tickets even before I had agreed to come to Australia). They spent lavishly on shopping and trips, my husband included, and when I would spend even five dollars he would nag me like crazy about it. He would pinch, hold my arm tightly and pull or push me, and verbally abuse me in public. At times even hit me slightly. On reacting to it, his mother would resort to the same kind of histrionics there and then - wailing, screaming and asking me what wrong they had done to deserve the way I was behaving. After they left I did not make any attempt to communicate with them.

With time he grew smarter, he only hit me on the head or hurl me around on the bed. That never left any marks and I couldn't prove anything to anyone. He sure did drill that fact into me - about not being able to prove anything to anyone. He set me up in social gatherings where people would go to the extent of openly abusing me. All the while he was the 'poor henpecked husband' who needed their help. I was the really nasty bad guy! At times when I was hurt badly and we had to go to meet friends, he'd make a very worried, innocent face and ask me to handle the situation. So, I'd call them up and tell them I was unwell, had sprained an ankle or some other excuse. They started believing I was avoiding them and wasn't letting him meet them either. He knew a lot of 'my' friends wouldn't buy all this and in front of them he showered praises on me. He was a master at being the perfect guy wherever he went. He wanted to have sex with me all the time and would try it even when I was deep asleep. He'd tell me I was 'cold' or not much of a woman or lacked any desire or capability of doing it. He tore my clothes and punched me on a wound and went off to party at a friends gathering, then came back home and sent his mother a text message that I was threatening to tear his clothes and was hitting him. The verbal abuse, belittling of myself and my family, public humiliation, lies, tricks and manipulations continued till the day I left him.

My only regret to this day is why I did not report him to the police when I had the chance.

A secret revealed

You see the world a little differently when you’re keeping a secret. There aren’t a lot of ‘I love you’ smiles. You feel like everyone is talking behind your back and that you mess everything up just by being alive

The Man In the Glass

Shared by a friend sometime back...

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.

For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum
And think you're a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can’t look him straight in the eye.

He’s the fellow to please - never mind all the rest,
For he’s with you clear to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.

Not long back

Not very long back I remember wishing my parents had aborted me as feotus...I wished I had been a victim of female infanticide instead of the being humiliated at every step for voicing my opinion and standing up for myself...just because I am a woman

Womens day special

I have heard the hackneyed phrase regarding women having different roles - 'The roles a woman plays in various aspects of life are many. At home, on job, in society, as mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, learners, workers, citizens, leaders. Every time I hear it I flinch. Aren't men too supposed to play their various roles - at home, job, in society, as fathers, husbands, brothers, sons, learners, workers, citizens, leaders? Why are women especially exalted as being the more 'responsible' people? As if men can have all the fun they want and women should take the burden of all these responsibilities on their shoulders to be branded as a 'good girl'. Men don't need to worry about their actions because no one is going to judge them anyways.

We all need a harsh reality check. Forget the silly statistics and the list of women who made it to the top. Look at the quality of life an average girl or woman has in our country.
*In a city like Delhi, a woman (especially young women and girls) face extreme harassment just walking on the streets and traveling in public transport. Do we have statistics of the frequency of sexual harassment and lewd remarks that she faces on her daily walk/travel to school/college/workplace? The whole society doesn't leave a stone unturned to pinch, rub, feel, maul her to submission and shows her her true place - 'inside' the house. How dare she step outside, that too without an escort!
*In a middle class home a girl is supposed to study, get good grades, do well professionally (read earn extra money to keep the house running, a sort of backup without ambition of a good career), learn to be a good host, learn to carry herself well, be a pleasing personality, cook well, clean well and the list goes on. I must say times have changed and things have improved much in his arena, but there are still few families who teach their girls to be as independent as the boys. Things like filling oil in cars, change a flat tyre, fix basic electronic stuff in the house, banking and most importantly manage their finances.
*Not many families teach their girls to be loud and stand up for themselves in the face of odds, or when they face any kind of discrimination, harassment or abuse. In fact they're still taught to be submissive and quiet. I know of many women who have had the strength to stand up for themselves but very, very few had families who encouraged them to begin with. Most families joined them later after an initial defiance, remained apathetic or are against the women for bringing shame to the family.
*How can these saas-bahu family sagas continue for ages on our television? Who watches them and why aren't women activists up in arms against them? The kind of images shown are nothing less than disgusting.
*The most appalling statistics are of domestic violence. More women die due to DV than soldiers in a war or victims of a bomb blast... When there is a war or bomb blast. These include professional women in management jobs, doctors, lawyers and sportswomen. There are dowry deaths and there are many more sociopaths on the prowl keeping an eye out for any sign of vulnerability in a woman. The upper strata and the sociopaths are conveniently ignored in all movements. Why is it such a taboo to speak up against a man who is abusing you? How does it matter that incidentally (and very unfortunately) he was married to you?

These are just a few points where we can start thinking. The list is too long and exhausting.

How do we change this?

Domestic Violence and Men - How men can help

Source: http://bellbajao.org/contact/

Why should men care about domestic violence?

We at Breakthrough think that engaging men and boys are key players in helping to end domestic violence. These are some of the reasons:

* Because men can stop violence: For domestic violence to stop, men who are violent must be empowered to make different choices. Every time a man’s voice joins those women speaking out against violence, the world becomes safer for us all.
* Because men listen to men: Men are more likely to listen to other men when it comes to the perpetration of domestic violence. Boys and young men look to their fathers and mentors for an example and can be taught that strong men respect women.
* Because domestic violence is NOT a women’s issue: Family violence affects everyone and stems from sexist attitudes and behaviors. To stop violence, both men and women must work toward changing cultural norms and holding violators accountable.
* Because violence costs: Domestic violence has huge socio-economic costs at both the household and community level. See FAQ #9 for more information. Violence causes loss of income, decreased productivity in the workplace and costs billions of dollars for healthcare, housing and social and legal services.
* Because men work with survivors: Men are an integral part of the community that supports and interacts with families dealing with violence. They are the majority of judges, police officers, and doctors who work with families in crisis.
* Because men know survivors: They are neighbors, friends, and family members of women suffering from violence. At some point in most men’s lives, someone close to them will ask for help. Men must be prepared to respond with care, compassion and understanding.

What can men do to help stop domestic violence?

Bell Bajao! urges men to become partners in ringing the bell and bringing domestic violence to a halt. Be part of the movement to put a halt to domestic violence by the following these steps:

* Educate yourself: Read articles and books about masculinity, gender inequality, and the root causes of violence. Read women’s literature; educate yourself and others about the connections between larger social forces and the conflicts of individual men and women.
* Be a role model: Set positive examples for other men, especially youth men and boys. Teach boys that strong men respect women and that violence is unacceptable. Act as a mentor to a child who lacks and positive male figure in his life.
* Challenge other men: One of the most difficult things for men who oppose violence against women is to learn to challenge other men. Challenge men to drop sexist language from their vocabulary. Challenge men who talk lightly or joke about violence against women. Challenge men who engage in violence.
* Reflect on your own behavior: Understand how your own attitudes and action perpetuate sexism and violence and work toward changing them. If you have been violent towards a woman, then urgently seek help and support to change abusive behavior.
* Support change: Support candidates for political office who are committed to the full social, economic and political equality of women. Fight for funding for outreach services and women’s shelters. Organize and participate in groups working to end domestic violence and sexism.
* Listen and learn from the women in your life: Ask a woman who trust you how violence has affected her life. Ask how they want to be supported and what they think men can do to stop domestic violence. Believe women and support them when they confide in you about being abused.
* Reach out: Reach out to a family where domestic violence is present. Just offering to listen and acknowledging what is going on helps chip away at the walls that surround and isolate families living with abuse.
* Don’t fund sexism: Don’t purchase any magazine, rent any video or buy any music that portrays women in a sexually degrading or violent manner. Protest sexism in the media.
* Confront sexist, racist, homophobic and other oppressive remarks to jokes: Sexist jokes encourage and support a climate where forms of violence and abuse have too long been accepted. When your friend tells a joke about rape, say you don’t find it funny. Don’t remain silent.
* Use inclusive, non-sexist language: Words are very powerful and sexist language sends a message that women are less than fully human. When we see women as inferior, it becomes easier to treat them with less respect and disregard their rights.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveller, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference

...Robert Frost