www.youarenotcrazy.com

The similarities between the writers experiences and mine are very stark in her journal. I believe they'll be like most other abusive relationships between intimate partners. His rage problem, learning how to manipulate more masterfully through counseling sessions and other self help books/articles, the conflict resolution contract (in my case a 'Family Mission Statement'), all the manipulative tactics at passing the blame and guilt on to me, use of allies to keep me in line, everything! In fact it felt I was reading my ex's description rather than her ex.

Here's the link to Eileen's journal  http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/

Here are some excerpts:

This website is wholly, compassionately dedicated

to the women who have fought to love and understand

in total solitude

the men that

rage at them,

 call them names,

criticise their mistakes,

 joke about their insecurities,

 mock their interests,

 trivialise their pain,

 yell at them suddenly,

 threaten them with their deepest fears,

 then tell them they deserve it.

Then, to top it all

he steadfastly denies it all

as he masterfully charms everyone he meets 

just like he did to her when they first met.

If you are one of these women, welcome to your tribe     

We believe you and your struggle, and pain is very real

You are not longer alone and

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY

Abuse defined

a-buse (verb)
1. To use wrongly or improperly; misuse
2. To hurt or injure by maltreatment; ill-use
3. To force sexual activity on; rape or molest
4. To assail with contemptuous, coarse or insulting words; revile
5. To deceive or trick

a-buse (noun)
1. Improper use or handling; misuse; abuse of authority
2. Physical maltreatment
3. Sexual abuse
4. An unjust or wrongful practice
5. Insulting or coarse language

"All abuse is a process of establishing power over another person."
"In short, abusers believe - I may not know who I am but I can prove I'm better than you. This makes you his competition - and his enemy"

Power
"He believes you are trying to establish power over him, because that's his reality; confidence comes from proving you are better than others, not from within. This paradigm is tricky to execute because an abuser loses his power rush if he looks bad abusing you. This is where his skills of manipulation become honed - not only can he establish power over you, he can lie and manipulate his entire world (including you) into believing it's all your fault."


Abusers count on their allies
"He establishes relationships with charm and favors, much like a corrupt politician but infinitely more convincing. He needs these allies to justify his bad behavior and defend him should he ever be accused of being abusive. By validating him and ignoring her, his allies keep her in line."
(And also by acting the victim. He denied ever having done anything to me - even a minute after hitting me badly - and if questioned in front of others, including his and my family, would claim that I was abusing him physically and verbally. I even caught him sending sms's to his mother that I had hit him and was threatening to tear his clothes right after he had punched me on my stitches, torn my clothes and pushed me around.)


Silence is the best way to support an abuser
"Your neutral stance isn't neutral - it's serving the abuser in abundance; in fact it's what he's counting on. Your failure to reach out to her, in his mind, proves there's nothing wrong with his behavior...So she stays silent and he stays abusive."


Allies
"In the two years I was with Sean, I never felt more alone in my life. If you're an ally of Sean's ask yourself this: Is your opinion of me that I'm vindictive, lazy, selfish, unstable and crazy? Why? You're his buddy, is that the kind of person he hangs out with? Why is it just the woman he claimed to love is this horrid?...Did you believe Sean when he said I didn't like you? You've been manipulated by a master. He did it to me, too. He informed me often in anger, that many of you told him I was an annoying, stupid, stuck-up loser. If I appeared uncomfortable around you, that's why."
(Mine - RB - was smarter. He knew how women could be jealous. He would coax me into wearing revealing clothes and belittle me if I didn't. He would start comparing the 'other women' with me in front of them eliciting a sharp response aimed against me from the other side in most cases. He would discourage me to do anything for any of his friends he aimed to make allies with and would go to great lengths at preventing me from participating, helping them out, befriending them. This included criticizing them severely in front of me and creating doubts in my mind about the kind of people they were. I don't know if he said anything against me to them but he certainly got the same result and won his allies.)


"He's convinced everyone there's no way he could be abusive, he's the victim of my craziness and selfishness. I'm sure he'll tell people I'm vindictive and crazy in reference to this website. I'm not vindictive or crazy, I was deeply hurt by Sean's abuse and I don't want him to hurt anyone else. I've never had my heart broken so violently, and I don't wish it on anybody."


"I was Sean's strongest ally when we first met."
(I would go to the extent of saying I was RB's strongest ally and worked as my own enemy for a long time. I would appreciate him to boost his self esteem and portray myself as inferior to him. Just to show him I was on his side so as to win his attention or avoid a possible fit of rage.)


"Yes, that's right - he abused me then campaigned for sympathy for HIS pain."


"He had acted truly vile and malicious to me, and he went to any lengths to prove the world he was the best, most giving and sensitive guy in the world. He never passed up a chance to do a favor, or to tell everyone about his grand gestures. The grander the gesture, the more he had smashed my face in it later, and the more other people loved him. It hurt."


Real change
"Abusers are rarely motivated to change. Three highly respected books on abuse all agree on this. It's rare for an abusive man to truly become non-abusive. Sadly in therapy most men just learn to abuse without looking bad."
(Mine did this too. He also learnt not to hit on places where he could leave a bruise. The target was mostly my head with all his force with both fists clenched.)


The story about Joe and Scottie is a gem. Joe's nine steps of accepting responsibility and Steps of accepting responsibility for abuse are a must read.


Don't forget the quiz at the end!

Thanks Eileen for such a great journal. It has helped me and it'll help a lot more women.