* It was for your good
Pray, how was this in any way good for me or anyone else?
* You've come out a stronger person
I would've preferred to remain a weaker person if only I had the choice of not having to go through this ordeal ever
* You're a strong person, you'll get over it easily
Right, this is equivalent to saying - you're on your own buddy, sink or swim up to you, I'm off!
* How can someone hit you without a reason?? He must've had a good reason to do it
God yes! I've been asking him why he hits me and have been confused all these years because every time he either denied ever hitting me or gave me a list of what all I need to change in me. No matter what I did to please him it was never good enough for him. Why don't you try and ask him this. Let me know too if you get an answer.
* You asked for it yourself. You annoyed him deliberately so he would hit you
Excuse me, why on Earth would I invite someone to hit me? Assume that maybe I do enjoy getting myself hurt, but why did he go ahead and beat me? That's actually what he used to say - I hit you because I love you.
* You instigated him
There are a genre of mindless people who also blame rape victims for instigating the rapist by dressing up 'that way', or behaving 'that way'. This is the same genre.
* How could you let him hit you the first time?
I wish I knew he was going to hit me, or that he had told me before he did it. I would have definitely asked him not to hit me. I promise.
* Why didn't you leave the first time he hit you?
How is anyone supposed to know that a person is a serial abuser and this isn't a one time incident? Especially if the person pleads and cries and displays remorse in an ultimate dramatic style.
* Why didn't you leave earlier?
Refer to the article 'Domestic Violence and why women stay' in this blog. There's another reason too, in my case I had aged parents who I didn't want to see getting hurt. It took me a very long time to disclose all facts to them. In fact, they don't know everything even now.
* Women who let this happen to them are weak people
People who sit back, gossip and do nothing about this are the ones who are weak. Abusers are master manipulators who can trap any normal, humane person. It is impossible for a normal person to put themselves and think the way an abusive person does. It is also the biggest mistake people make in judging the situation.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteI know nothing I say would help, but you are a friend and I have to try.
I guess, I just did what you might have expected and called you a strong person. But, I do believe in it. There are very few women who I know who are head-strong and I love them for it.
There is no reason, whatsoever, for violence, including at home. So, please always believe that it was never your fault.
People take abuse not because they are weak. They take it because they are hopeful. They, in their hearts believe that things will get better, and it's not a sign of weakness or dependencies of any sorts. And that is what makes them stronger people.
I wish there was something concrete I could tell you to make you feel better, but there isn't. But, just because I have nothing to say, doesn't mean that there is no answer.
I wish you all the happiness that you deserve, and you do deserve a lot of it. Take care of yourself. You know where to contact me.
Will always be around for you.
Ravi
Ravi, The very act of speaking and reaching out is a big help. Silence is only another way of condoning it.
ReplyDeleteIt's true that in many cases victims stay in such relationships because they are hopeful. They are hopeful because they don't see the signs of abuse clearly yet, are ignorant of what abuse comprises of, are in denial or have learnt to be helpless. ('Learnt helplessness' is a major tactic used by abusers. In our country parents start teaching their little girls from early childhood.) The way out is to educate yourself on what comprises abuse, our humanitarian and legal rights and know that every individual is empowered only if she believes so.
Ravi, I can understand where you're coming from. There is no certain answer to anything. We need to find the answers ourselves for every day, every moment of our existence.
Thanks a lot for your wishes and honesty!
P.S.- There's a difference between head-strong and strong-willed.