Online Threat Assessment Tool

From Oprah's site:


According to security expert Gavin de Becker a woman dies every four hours in the United States at the hands of her boyfriend or spouse. Gavin also says these crimes are often predictable and preventable.

To combat domestic violence, Gavin has developed a potentially lifesaving tool called MOSAIC. This online assessment is free and protects the user's identity. 


http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/MOSAIC-Gavin-de-Beckers-Online-Threat-Assessment-Tool

Warning signs on an abusive personality

It is sometimes possible to predict the likelihood of the person you are currently or are about to become involved with being abusive. Below are a list of behaviours and traits which are common in abusive personalities. These are commonly known as Warning Signs.

While not all abusive people show the same signs, or display the tendencies to the same extent, if several behavioural traits are present, there is a strong tendency toward abusiveness. Generally, the more signs are present, the greater the likelihood of violence. In some cases, an abuser may have only a couple of behavioural traits that can be recognized, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things).

Often the abuser will initially try to explain his/her behaviour as signs of his/her love and concern, and the victim may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviours become more severe and serve to dominate, control and manipulate the victim.

At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love. He/she may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him/her. As the jealousy progresses, he/she may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may be unhappy about or refuse to let you work for fear you'll meet someone else, check the car mileage or ask friends to keep an eye on you. Jealousy is not proof of love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.


Controlling Behaviour

Controlling behaviour is often disguised or excused as concern. Concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions. Your abuser may be angry or upset if you are 'late' coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc., even if you told him/her you would be later back than usual. Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he/she was not involved in. As this behaviour gets worse, you may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church or how you spend your time or money or even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Alternately, he/she may theoretically allow you your own decisions, but penalise you for making the wrong ones. Concern for our loved ones to a certain extent is normal - trying to control their every move is not.


Quick Involvement

Many victims of abuse dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. The abuser will often claim 'love at first sight', that you are 'made for each other', or that you are the only person whom he could ever talk to so openly, feel so at home with, could understand him so well. He/she may tell you that they have never loved anyone so much or felt so loved by anyone so much before, when you have really only known each other for a short amount of time. He/she needs someone desperately, and will pressure you to commit to him/her or make love before you feel the relationship has reached 'that stage'. He/she may also make you feel guilty for not committing yourself to him/her.


Unrealistic Expectations

The abuser may expects you to be the perfect husband, wife, mother, father, lover, and friend. He/she is very dependent on you for all his/her needs, and may tell you he/she can fulfil all your needs as lover, friend, and companion. Statements such as: 'lf you love me, I'm all you need.', 'You are all I need.' are common. Your abuser may expect you to provide everything for him/her emotionally, practically, financially or spiritually, and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation.


Isolation

The abuser may try to curtail your social interaction. He/she may prevent you from spending time with your friends or family and demand that you only go places 'together'. He/she may accuse you of being 'tied to your mother's apron strings', not be committed to the relationship, or view people who are your personal friends as 'causing trouble' or 'trying to put a wedge' between you. He/she may want to live in the country without a phone, not let you use the car, stop you from working or gaining further education or qualifications.


Blame-Shifting For Problems

Very rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem. If they are unemployed, can't hold down a job, were thrown out of college or University or fall out with their family, it is always someone else's fault, be it the boss, the government, or their mother. They may feel that someone is always doing them wrong, or out to get him. He/she may make a mistakes and then blame you for upsetting him/her or preventing him/her from doing as they wished to.


Blame-Shifting For Feelings

The abuser will deny feelings stem from within him/her but see them as reactions to your behaviour or attitude toward him/her. He/she may tell you that 'you make me mad', 'you're hurting me by not doing what I ask', or that he/she cannot help feeling mad, upset, etc. Feelings may be used to manipulate you, i.e. 'I would not be angry if you didn't ...' Positive emotions will often also be seen as originating outside the abuser, but are more difficult to detect. Statements such as 'You make me happy' or 'You make me feel good about myself' are also signs that the abuser feels you are responsible for his sense of well-being. Either way, you become in his/her mind the cause of good and bad feelings and are therefore responsible for his/her emotional well-being and happiness. Consequently, you are also to blame for any negative feelings such as anger, upset or depression.


Hypersensitivity

Most abusers have very low self-esteem and are therefore easily insulted or upset. They may claim their feelings are 'hurt' when they are really angry, or take unrelated comments as personal attacks. They may perceive normal set-backs (having to work additional hours, being asked to help out, receiving a parking fine, etc.) as grave personal injustices. They may view your preference for something which differs from their own as a criticism of their taste and therefore themselves (e.g. blue wallpaper rather than pink, etc.).

Cruelty To Animals

The abuser may punishes animals brutally, be insensitive to their pain or suffering, or neglect to care for the animals to the point of cruelty, e.g. not feeding them all day, leaving them in areas he/she knows will cause them suffering or distress. There is a strong correlation between cruelty to animals and domestic violence which is still being researched. (For more information and personal experiences, see Domestic Violence and Cruelty to Animals.)

Cruelty To Children

The abusers unrealistic expectations of their partner are often mirrored in their attitude toward children. He/she will think of children as 'small adults' and blame the children for not being responsible, having common sense or understanding. He/she may expect children to be capable far beyond their ability (e.g. is angry with a two-year old for wetting their pants or being sick on the carpet, waking at night or being upset by nightmares) and will often meet out punishments for 'naughtiness' the child could not be aware of. Abusers may tease children until they cry, or punish children way beyond what could be deemed appropriate. He/she may not want children to eat at the table, expect them to stay quiet, or keep to their room all evening while he/she is at home. Since abusers want all your attention themselves, they resent your spending time with the children or any normal demands and needs the children may have. As above (cruelty to animals), there is a very strong link between Domestic Violence and Child Abuse.


'Playful' Use Of Force In Sex

He/she may pressurise you to agree to forceful or violent acts during sex, or want to act out fantasies where you are helpless. A male abuser may let you know that the idea of "rape" excites him. He/she may show little concern about whether you want to have intercourse and uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. Starting sex while you are sleeping, demanding sex when you are ill or tired, or refusing any form of intimacy unless you are willing to go 'all the way' can all be signs that he/she could be sexually abusive or sexually violent.


Rigid Gender Roles

Abusers usually believe in stereotypical gender roles. A man may expect a woman to serve him; stay at home, obey him in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. A male abuser will often see women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship. Female abusers may expect the man to provide for them entirely, shift the responsibility for her well-being onto him or heckle him as being 'not a real man' if he shows any weakness or emotion.


Verbal Abuse

In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, either in public or in private, this can include degrading remarks or running down any accomplishments. Often the abuser will tell you that you are 'stupid', could not manage without him/her. He/she may keep you up all night to 'sort this out once and for all' or even wake you at night to continue to verbally abuse you. The abuser may even say kindly things to your face, but speak badly about you to friends and family.


Dr. Jeckyll And Mr. Hyde

Very rarely do abusers conform to the stereotypical image of a constantly harsh, nasty or violent person, either in public or in private. More frequently the abuser portrays a perfectly normal and pleasant picture to the outside world (often they have responsible jobs or are respected and important members of the local community or Church) and reserves the abuse for you in the privacy of your own home. Nor are abusers always overtly abusive or cruel, but can display apparent kindness and consideration. This Jeckyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser serves to further confuse the victim, while protecting themselves from any form of suspicion from outsiders. Many victims describe "sudden" changes in mood - one minute nice and the next explosive or hysterical, or one minute happy and the next minute sad. This does not indicate some special "mental problem" but are typical of abusive personalities, and related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.


Drink Or Substance Abuse

While neither drinking or the use of drugs are signs of an abusive personality, heavy drinking or drug abuse may be a warning sign and do increase the risks of abuse, especially violence, taking place. Often an abusive person will blame the drink for his/her abuse. However, a person who, knowing there is a risk he/she could be violent when drinking or on drugs, chooses to get drunk or high, is in effect choosing to abuse. The link between substance abuse and domestic abuse is still being researched, and it is apparent that while neither alcohol nor drugs necessarily cause violence, they do increase the risk of violence. (See What about alcohol and domestic abuse?)

History Of Battering Or Sexual Violence

Very rarely is abuse or violence a one-off event: a batterer will beat any woman he is with; a sexually abusive person will be abusive toward all his intimate partners. Situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. Sometimes friends or family may try to warn you about the abuser. Sometimes the abuser may tell you himself/herself that he/she has hit or sexually assaulted someone in the past. However, they may further go on to explain that "she made me do it by ..." or in some other way not take responsibility and shift the blame on to the victim. They may tell you that it won't happen with you because "you love them enough to prevent it" or "you won't be stupid enough to wind me up that much". Once again, this is denying their own responsibility for the abuse, and shifting the responsibility for the relationship to remain abuse-free on to you. Past violence is one of the strongest pointers that abuse will occur. If at all possible, try to speak to their previous girlfriends.


Negative Attitude Toward Women

Some men may tell you that you are different to all the women they have known before, who display a lack of respect of women generally or who talk negatively and disrespectfully of their previous wives or girlfriends. They may tell you that you are special, not like the others and that they consider themselves to be the luckiest man alive to have found the last decent woman. It is not likely to be long before they remember that you are a woman and don't deserve their respect.


Threatening Violence

This would obviously include any threat of physical force such as "If you speak to him/her again, I'll kill you", or "If any wife of mine acted like John's did, I'd give her a right seeing to". Threats are designed to manipulate and control you, to keep you in your place and prevent you making your own decisions. Most people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will excuse this behaviour by saying "everybody talks like that.", maintaining he/she is only saying this because the relationship or you are so important to him/her, tell you you're "over-sensitive" for being upset by such threats, or obviously want to hurt him/her. Threats can also be less overt, such as "If you leave me, I will kill myself", or "You are so wonderful, I will never let you go/couldn't live without you".


Breaking Or Striking Objects

The abusive person may break your treasured object, beat his/her fists on the table or chair or throw something at or past you. Breaking your things is often used as a punishment for some imagined misdeed on your part. Sometimes it will be justified by saying that now that you are with him/her, you don't need these items any more. Breaking your possessions also has the effect of de-personalising you, denying you your individuality or literally trying to break links to your past. Beating items of furniture or throwing objects will often be justified by saying you wound him/her up so much they lost control, once again shifting the blame for this behaviour on to you, but is actually used to terrorise you into submission. Only very immature or abusive people beat on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten or intimidate them.


Any Force During An Argument

An abuser may physically restrain you from leaving the room, lash out at you with his/her hand or another object, pin you against a wall or shout 'right in your face'. Basically any form of force used during an argument can be a sign that actual violence is a strong possibility.


The Above List Was Prepared With Reference To

A Guide to recognizing Behaviors of Abusive persons, Cheektowaga Police Department, (link no longer active - sorry!)

Signs To Look For In A Battering Personality, free2bme2k, (link no longer active - sorry!)

my own experiences, and those of other survivors of DV with whom I have had the privilege of discussing this topic.


Further Links Which May Be Useful:

Mr Wrong or Mr Right - a brief guide by Pat Craven from the Freedom Programme

I went through this for six years. It's a personal mission for me that no other women ever goes through this.

www.youarenotcrazy.com

The similarities between the writers experiences and mine are very stark in her journal. I believe they'll be like most other abusive relationships between intimate partners. His rage problem, learning how to manipulate more masterfully through counseling sessions and other self help books/articles, the conflict resolution contract (in my case a 'Family Mission Statement'), all the manipulative tactics at passing the blame and guilt on to me, use of allies to keep me in line, everything! In fact it felt I was reading my ex's description rather than her ex.

Here's the link to Eileen's journal  http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/

Here are some excerpts:

This website is wholly, compassionately dedicated

to the women who have fought to love and understand

in total solitude

the men that

rage at them,

 call them names,

criticise their mistakes,

 joke about their insecurities,

 mock their interests,

 trivialise their pain,

 yell at them suddenly,

 threaten them with their deepest fears,

 then tell them they deserve it.

Then, to top it all

he steadfastly denies it all

as he masterfully charms everyone he meets 

just like he did to her when they first met.

If you are one of these women, welcome to your tribe     

We believe you and your struggle, and pain is very real

You are not longer alone and

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY

Abuse defined

a-buse (verb)
1. To use wrongly or improperly; misuse
2. To hurt or injure by maltreatment; ill-use
3. To force sexual activity on; rape or molest
4. To assail with contemptuous, coarse or insulting words; revile
5. To deceive or trick

a-buse (noun)
1. Improper use or handling; misuse; abuse of authority
2. Physical maltreatment
3. Sexual abuse
4. An unjust or wrongful practice
5. Insulting or coarse language

"All abuse is a process of establishing power over another person."
"In short, abusers believe - I may not know who I am but I can prove I'm better than you. This makes you his competition - and his enemy"

Power
"He believes you are trying to establish power over him, because that's his reality; confidence comes from proving you are better than others, not from within. This paradigm is tricky to execute because an abuser loses his power rush if he looks bad abusing you. This is where his skills of manipulation become honed - not only can he establish power over you, he can lie and manipulate his entire world (including you) into believing it's all your fault."


Abusers count on their allies
"He establishes relationships with charm and favors, much like a corrupt politician but infinitely more convincing. He needs these allies to justify his bad behavior and defend him should he ever be accused of being abusive. By validating him and ignoring her, his allies keep her in line."
(And also by acting the victim. He denied ever having done anything to me - even a minute after hitting me badly - and if questioned in front of others, including his and my family, would claim that I was abusing him physically and verbally. I even caught him sending sms's to his mother that I had hit him and was threatening to tear his clothes right after he had punched me on my stitches, torn my clothes and pushed me around.)


Silence is the best way to support an abuser
"Your neutral stance isn't neutral - it's serving the abuser in abundance; in fact it's what he's counting on. Your failure to reach out to her, in his mind, proves there's nothing wrong with his behavior...So she stays silent and he stays abusive."


Allies
"In the two years I was with Sean, I never felt more alone in my life. If you're an ally of Sean's ask yourself this: Is your opinion of me that I'm vindictive, lazy, selfish, unstable and crazy? Why? You're his buddy, is that the kind of person he hangs out with? Why is it just the woman he claimed to love is this horrid?...Did you believe Sean when he said I didn't like you? You've been manipulated by a master. He did it to me, too. He informed me often in anger, that many of you told him I was an annoying, stupid, stuck-up loser. If I appeared uncomfortable around you, that's why."
(Mine - RB - was smarter. He knew how women could be jealous. He would coax me into wearing revealing clothes and belittle me if I didn't. He would start comparing the 'other women' with me in front of them eliciting a sharp response aimed against me from the other side in most cases. He would discourage me to do anything for any of his friends he aimed to make allies with and would go to great lengths at preventing me from participating, helping them out, befriending them. This included criticizing them severely in front of me and creating doubts in my mind about the kind of people they were. I don't know if he said anything against me to them but he certainly got the same result and won his allies.)


"He's convinced everyone there's no way he could be abusive, he's the victim of my craziness and selfishness. I'm sure he'll tell people I'm vindictive and crazy in reference to this website. I'm not vindictive or crazy, I was deeply hurt by Sean's abuse and I don't want him to hurt anyone else. I've never had my heart broken so violently, and I don't wish it on anybody."


"I was Sean's strongest ally when we first met."
(I would go to the extent of saying I was RB's strongest ally and worked as my own enemy for a long time. I would appreciate him to boost his self esteem and portray myself as inferior to him. Just to show him I was on his side so as to win his attention or avoid a possible fit of rage.)


"Yes, that's right - he abused me then campaigned for sympathy for HIS pain."


"He had acted truly vile and malicious to me, and he went to any lengths to prove the world he was the best, most giving and sensitive guy in the world. He never passed up a chance to do a favor, or to tell everyone about his grand gestures. The grander the gesture, the more he had smashed my face in it later, and the more other people loved him. It hurt."


Real change
"Abusers are rarely motivated to change. Three highly respected books on abuse all agree on this. It's rare for an abusive man to truly become non-abusive. Sadly in therapy most men just learn to abuse without looking bad."
(Mine did this too. He also learnt not to hit on places where he could leave a bruise. The target was mostly my head with all his force with both fists clenched.)


The story about Joe and Scottie is a gem. Joe's nine steps of accepting responsibility and Steps of accepting responsibility for abuse are a must read.


Don't forget the quiz at the end!

Thanks Eileen for such a great journal. It has helped me and it'll help a lot more women. 

The Forgiveness Project

I found some truly amazing stories of seemingly divine people who were able to forgive perpetrators of unimaginable crimes...committed against them and their loved ones. What I admire about these people is that they have managed to distinguish the indefensible act from the person who committed it. They reason that the act may not be forgivable but the person is. So, even though the act should not be condoned and punishment be doled out for the act, it's best to let go of the feeling of spite and retribution against the person. This has helped them to move on in life and not hurt themselves over and over again. There are other stories of perpetrators who have taken advantage of this philosophy and committed the crime again after being forgiven.

The stories highlight the necessity of forgiving for the victim as well as the need for stronger laws for protecting the victims. Sadly the laws nowadays are focussed solely at the perpetrator. There is a need to give people second chances and help them become better people and it's great that the laws aim at that. At the same time let's not ignore the victims and fail the already peaceful, peace-loving people and punish them by not giving them sufficient protection. It has been noted in majority of cases that dangerous offenders and especially those who have been committing these acts over a fair amount of time do not change. It becomes embedded in their nature and even after receiving therapy there is no guarantee that they will change.

Here's the link:
Theforgivenessproject.com/stories

The price my father could've paid...

An abuser is a person who is color blind. For him there is no distinction between grey, black and white. When he crosses over to the dark side he gets the same gratification as when he's on the brighter side. Plainly speaking they're the same to him.

I have an aunt who had hells keeper as her husband. Mine was probably his lowly ignorable assistant in comparison. I remember as a teenager I went to stay at her place once. In that age it's fun being pampered by your aunties. At night after switching off the lights I was about to go to sleep when the door opened slightly at first. I wondered if there was something wrong with the door knob. Then it slowly opened just the way they show eerie scenes in movies. A shadow stepped into my room. I startled and got up and stared at the silhouette at the door. Uncle? What was he doing entering my room at this hour? There were two other bathrooms in the house. It wasn't possible that both weren't working. I have always been ridiculously soft spoken but at that time, in spite of the chill running down my spine I spoke loud enough for my voice to reach all corners of the house. "Uncle, what are you doing here? Do you need something?". My aunt appeared in what would have been a few split seconds. Her face white like she'd just seen a ghost. "What are you doing here?" she reiterated in a desperate, shrill voice. "What are you doing in her room?" followed by a whole volley of questions that meant the same thing in different words and languages. The desperation grew in her voice with every word that flowed out of her drying lips. Then he turned and looked at her. She suddenly stopped and stared at him. I didn't like the look in his eyes at all. In fact I hated it. I probably felt and experienced his menacing soul that she faced every day of her life with him. Then he turned around without a word and left. She followed him then quickly returned and asked me to keep my room locked from inside.

For our own convenience we tend to be shortsighted. There's nothing wrong with our eyes, it's a learnt short sightedness. So if a person crossed the line in his wife's room we don't think it would be possible for him to do it in our daughters room. Most of us feel we're immune to heart problems, cancer or AIDS and it "won't ever happen to us". And then we spend days, months, sometimes years to accept it has happened to us when it does.

on killing the spirit

My decision to leave him and marry truth came on this fateful day when this happened.

After a sharp blow I felt this. I felt rage. The coward had moved fast out of my sight and bounds. I marched out with determined, angry, heavy steps. All I wanted was his blood. I poured out my rage and screamed "I WILL NOT BECOME YOU. I WILL NOT LET YOU MAKE ME YOU". When I stepped back I could see the satisfaction and glee in his wicked eyes. He knew he had me. "You have become me" they said calmly.

Worst things your well wishers tell you

* It was for your good
Pray, how was this in any way good for me or anyone else?

* You've come out a stronger person
I would've preferred to remain a weaker person if only I had the choice of not having to go through this ordeal ever

* You're a strong person, you'll get over it easily
Right, this is equivalent to saying - you're on your own buddy, sink or swim up to you, I'm off!

* How can someone hit you without a reason?? He must've had a good reason to do it
God yes! I've been asking him why he hits me and have been confused all these years because every time he either denied ever hitting me or gave me a list of what all I need to change in me. No matter what I did to please him it was never good enough for him. Why don't you try and ask him this. Let me know too if you get an answer.


* You asked for it yourself. You annoyed him deliberately so he would hit you
Excuse me, why on Earth would I invite someone to hit me? Assume that maybe I do enjoy getting myself hurt, but why did he go ahead and beat me? That's actually what he used to say - I hit you because I love you.


* You instigated him
There are a genre of mindless people who also blame rape victims for instigating the rapist by dressing up 'that way', or behaving 'that way'. This is the same genre.


* How could you let him hit you the first time?
I wish I knew he was going to hit me, or that he had told me before he did it. I would have definitely asked him not to hit me. I promise.

* Why didn't you leave the first time he hit you?
How is anyone supposed to know that a person is a serial abuser and this isn't a one time incident? Especially if the person pleads and cries and displays remorse in an ultimate dramatic style.


* Why didn't you leave earlier?
Refer to the article 'Domestic Violence and why women stay' in this blog. There's another reason too, in my case I had aged parents who I didn't want to see getting hurt. It took me a very long time to disclose all facts to them. In fact, they don't know everything even now.


* Women who let this happen to them are weak people
People who sit back, gossip and do nothing about this are the ones who are weak. Abusers are master manipulators who can trap any normal, humane person. It is impossible for a normal person to put themselves and think the way an abusive person does. It is also the biggest mistake people make in judging the situation.